I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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