I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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