I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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