i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
