She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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