Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I can't put those talents on a resume
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
