he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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