Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
