oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
