The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
