I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
