Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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