I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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