i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
