if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
