So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
