Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
