If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
