so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
