Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You may now shotgun with the bride
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
