White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
