I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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