I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
