Please, let me fuck your mom
I puked a lego.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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