Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
