I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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