I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
