meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
