i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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