Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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