and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
