Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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