He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
