Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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