Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
