When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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