He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
don't judge my taste in strippers
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
