She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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