I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
