Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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