I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize