planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
