I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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