speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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