U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
