some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
