So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
not ubering you a puppy
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
