My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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