she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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