I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
