He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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