Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
