the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
