Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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