you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
