Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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