Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
