Someone shit on the floor
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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