Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize