Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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