sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
