News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
